The Beginning of the End

Tomorrow I go back to school to finish out my first year of teaching my own classroom. It is a bitter sweet feeling to be sure. I never in my life imagined that my first year of teaching would be filled with so much emotion. I have never been more stressed, more joyful, more discouraged, or more blessed than during this school year. I must say, it has been quite the roller coaster. There are many in my life that can attest to this.

Starting this school year I felt pretty confident in my ability to teach. That confidence was soon squashed when I met the parents...haha...school hadn't even started yet and I was already questioning my ability to succeed during this school year. The beginning of the year was so hard. Teaching a split level class as a first year teacher isn't something I would hope for anyone. First year teaching has enough stress on its own, let alone having to worry about two grade levels. That's state standards for two grades that I am accountable for. Granted, as time went on, my co-teacher took over one grade level LA and Math, so that was a load off my shoulders. Also, as a new teacher, Ohio requires a mentorship program to be completed in order to receive a new teaching license. That has been an added burden, a necessary burden, but somewhat of a burden nonetheless. I'll get into that more later.

By the time Christmas came around, I was really discouraged. I was trying to figure out what in the world I was doing. I didn't get answers, but went back to school in January and the whole cycle of progress with students to frustration to discouragement to near depression started all over again. This cycle has repeated several times since January. Right now, I'm at the discouragement stage. Even though I have enjoyed spring break and have taken the time to really rest and take a real break from school, I still feel discouraged and am dreading (just a little) going back tomorrow. I don't know what challenge is going to enter my room. I have 21 students, each student with their own stories, their own hurts, their own struggles and their own unique and amazing personalities. They are full of amazing potential. I let my frustration and discouragement cloud my vision to see their potential. I usually focus on what frustrates me the most about each individual student and let that fester in my mind and my heart. This almost always starts me on a path of impatience, joylessness, frustration, and a teaching style that is not good.

The Teacher Mentorship program requires me to meet with a mentor teacher once a week to discuss goals, frustrations, joys, and anything else that needs to be discussed. However, with this, there is a whole lot of paper work to do that the state requires. I am required to observe two teachers, be observed on several occasions, discuss these observations, and write a lot of stuff down. This doesn't sound like much, but when you consider all the other stuff I am required to do for school, it adds up. It gets a bit frustrating and challenging.

I think I feel most frustrated because I haven't mastered teaching. I love challenges, I live for challenges. But when I can't conquer something, and conquer it quickly and accurately, I get incredibly discouraged and down. When it comes to teaching this year, I feel completely clueless and nearly useless. I often wonder if I'm making any difference or if my students are learning anything! I have thought about changing careers on several occasions this school year. Needless to say, I couldn't let myself do that because I haven't mastered teaching, and honestly, I don't think I ever will. There is always a new technique to use, always something new to do as a teacher. But eventually, it has to get easier. I'm convinced.


So here is my challenge for myself for the next 10-12 school days. I will focus on 1-2 students and their positive qualities and share about that on here. Obviously, I cannot name the student or post pictures, but I can focus on them and what makes them unique, special and full of potential. Maybe this task will change my mindset and my heart about my class and teaching in general. Keep me accountable!

32 days and counting...